favs....

....enough complaining and stuff. It's just a bore. Lets do something fun instead.
Please post your answers to the following questions.
Whats your favorite....
...fruit? banana
...sandwhich? roast beef from Arby's
...type of house plant? spider...the only one I seem to not kill
...letter of the alphabet? S...you can make the most curvy stuff with it.
...kids book? in the night kitchen
...childhood song?(like Bah Bah Black Sheep) the Mockingbird song
...remade song? Killing me softly
...things besides lettuce to have in a salad? cheese, olives and tomatoes
...excuse? I have four kids....(insert awful thing you've done ie being 20 minutes late)
And question of the day.
Why does it seem like the more time I have...the less I get done?

sometimes....

....I feel like nothing matters. That all the teaching of the children, cleaning of the house, taking care of the man....none of it matters. And then...unfortunatly...I just want to stop.
It doesn't matter if I watch what I eat....I will ALWAYS be fat. Have been since I was 15ish. It doesn't matter if I work on my kids staying dry all night....they will pee in it until they feel like stopping. blah blah blah.
I guess the place I am in is unsatisfied with myself. I am feeling like nothing. Like a spec of dust that has been brushed off an uninterested person's shoulder. I feel empty and without purpose. Anyone else ever feel like this? How do you work through it?

religion

I don't know about anyone else but...I was a little surprised by the results.

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 79% Classical Liberal 75% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 61% Charismatic/Pentecostal 46% Modern Liberal 43% Neo orthodox 32% Fundamentalist 29% Roman Catholic 14% Reformed Evangelical 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

disney character

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 88% Cinderella 88% The Beast 75% Goofy 69% Ariel 63% Donald Duck 63% Sleeping Beauty 50% Snow White 31% Pinocchio 31% Cruella De Ville 19% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

what I have been missing

...so....for those who haven't seen him...I just wanted to add this image. This is what I have been missing for days. And what is wonderful to report is....the inside is just as wonderful as the outside.
It's funny. I always thought that men that looked like dreamboat must be jerks. They must sleep around on their woman and not take care of them. It's great to have your preconceived notions disproved.

so much better now....

....he's home. Life is SO much better. I didn't even realize just how much I missed him until he was here. So...this is going to be short and sweet and to the point...since I have so much time to make up for:)
I am curious about something so I am going to have you guys give me an answer instead of me talking and talking.
What do you know about handfasting?

The system

So...when I refer to the system...I am making a general statement concerning law enforcement, foster care, courts, judges etc. And please watch out...I am pissed and on my soap box...Read ahead at your own risk
This is bullshit. Just bullshit. I am a product of this SYSTEM....I was screwed over so many time it's not even funny. Abusive foster parents....and advicate that talked bad about me behind my back to the point of being fired, bad judge decision, lie upon lie, just bullshit. And now as an adult and a tax payer I have to put up with MORE bullshit.
Dreamboat messed up...and this I understand. There has to be punishments for when you mess up. It's the law and that is fine with me. But...this is crap.
He has been on work release...the whole point of that is to KEEP your job. So you can pay them their 17 bucks a day. And then they turn around and do EVERYTHING they can to make sure you lose your job.
He had to work at 11am today. Had to go get this freaking ankle thing at 2. Has to be signed out of the first place by 1:30...we end up running a LITTLE late because of his job. We get to this ankle bracelet place and we are there from 2 to like 5:15 or 5:30. WHAT THE FUCK? Don't you guys want your freaking money. Oh wait....it doesn't matter to you guys since we already had to pay you before we left.
He's a good guy that made a mistake. We ALL do it. I did hideous things when I was teenager. Just awful. I never got half this crap. And why? Because there isn't any money in it. They can't charge me a bunch of money and jerk me around for months. The only time the foster care system paid enought attention to me was when I was imancipatted (yikes....dont' know how to spell that) and that was becase they were giving me money every month...that my mother had to pay back...and so they want to check on me and such.
I am SO mad. He gets to work and they are all weird. Big boss man (who's one of the worst kind of assholes...the kind that enjoy it since they have power and all) is gone. They tell him they don't know if they need him anymore today. That never happens. They ALWAYS need him. So he thinks they are going to fire him tomorrow. Thanks alot cops and judges and every other freaking person in the system
This anger goes back so far... I don't even know when it started. Probably the first time I "tricked" my foster agencie into admitting I didn't need meds. I knew I didn't need them. So I was on my best behavior and TOLD them I was taking them. They praised me and stuff and about two months later I tell them the truth. They wouldn't listen any other way then that. So, I got punished. Big time. WHAT? I proved you wrong and now you want to punish me? Thanks.
Or it could be the year or so that they took everyone I loved and cared about in the same agency out of my life one at a time because they CARED too much. God forbid. We don't want these kids having someone that cares about them.
Or it could be the time that Nate (my ex-husband) and I had a big fight at the doctors office and I called the police. I (I know...stupid but I was trying to do what was right for my unborn kid) decided after a lot of fighting and discussing to stay with him. What does the SYSTEM do? They charge him an arm and a leg...that we don't have to spair...for his sentence. Now....lets think about this? The MAIN reason that couples fight these days is....ta da, MONEY. So...lets take a man and a woman, who have now had a DV call and lets...take away all their money. Lets see if they get along after that.
Or it could be last year when, because I had a prior charge that I actually DID, my ex-husband decides to tell the cops I hit him to teach me a lesson because I was having an affair. SO, I spend a night in jail and almost get my butt kicked in there becasue I snore. Terrifeid and lonely and scared. Yeah... I deserved that. Since I did something bad before...I must have this time. RIGHT?
I have had it with this shit. I am over it big time. People are NOT guilty all the time. Just because you screw up once doesn't make you Satan. It makes you freaking human. And I am so tired of me or loved ones or friends being treated like convicts when they make a mistake. It happens to all of us. I would love to know all the things that all the people dreamboat has come into contact with in these last days that are in a position of power have done? You never did drugs judge? You never drove after you drank cop? BULLSHIT. It happens. To everyone.
I told my friend hip chick that I just can't sit around and complain about this....I have to do something. But even though I still plan to...I can complain. I am a product of this stuff. I lived this life for so long. This is why I had a TERRIBLE time with lying up until awhile ago. They all did...to me...all the time....why cant' I? It's easier right.
He's a good man.....doesn't deserve to be treated like a crystal dealer who sold some to a 5th grader. Which btw, happens often. People are being murdered and raped in this country. The things I hear that have been happening to our little kids lately....its frightening. FIND THE REAL FREAKING CRIMINALS in this country and stop being so damn harsh to people that make ONE mistake.
Sigh....sorry but....It had to be said.

what would I do if I wasn't afriad.....

....that is a question that I ask myself often. As cheesy as this is too admit, fear is my main problem. I read this book when I was being laid off called Who moved my Cheese. Kind of lame but the part about being scared affected me.
I say all of this to explain my thoughts and actions this morning. I finally laid down at like midnight and I fell asleep for an hour. I dreamt, sadly, about painting. So, I got up (no kids around, they are at their dads AGAIN) and came in the kitchen to paint. While I was doing that I was thinking things over. I can't tell you how long I have wanted to paint shelves how I am. Why haven't I done that before?
FEAR....that someone will think they are ugly. That someone will yell at me(you know who I mean). That I will mess up and they will look stupid. Stuff like that.
Then I was thinking, when did I become, unfearful?
The only thing that I can add up is Brian. About the time we got together and I started realizing that he loves me just the way I am....geek, cry baby, naggy at time....all those kind of icky things.....that I started doing things I like. And being confident in them.
So, even while he is gone, he has taught me something more. Love gives you...wings? confidence? something like that....have a good day all....its beautiful here. Hope it is wherever you are too
j

too many emotions at one time

So.....here is the kind of day I had....
My friend Crystal is coming to visit....I JUST can't wait for that....excited.
My ex-boyfriend Chris found out where I live and parked his piece of crap behind my van to try to talk to me and he wouldn't move so...I hit his car with my van.....mad, scared and a little pumped up
I miss my boyfriend. Who gets to be on an ankle bracelet Monday...which means he will be home all the time.....right on
However...I know I over drafted our account to pay for his stuff and my ticket that I had and stuff like groceries......uh oh.
I am so mixed up...I don't know what to do. I am going to coffee with my best friend who I thought was mad at me...so that is good.
Have to run for now
j

music.....

....so I have said it before....but I want to share again. Music makes me feel better. I have the following on a list that I ahve been playing over and over again.
Smile.....Pearl Jam
Where'd you go.....Fort Minor
Monkey.....Counting Crows
Gone going.....Blacked Eyed Peas
That I would be good.....Alanis
Tomorrow Wendy......Concreate Blonde
Seven Nation Army.......White Stripes
Goodnight Elizabeth.....Counting Crows
Gold Digger....Kayna West(I think that's his name)
Don't Lie.......Black Eyed Peas
When you were mine.....Cyndy Lauper
7.......Prince
Thank you......Alanis
My Style......Black Eyed Peas
Joey........Concreate Blonde
Recovering the Satallites.......Counting Crows.
Stay, I missed you......Lisa Loeb
Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.......PM Dawn
Underneth your clothes......Shakira(I don't know if that is how you spell that either)
Seelah......Lauryn Hill
Brown eyed girl.......Van Morrison
Friend of the Devil.........Grateful Dead
Shut up.......Black Eyed Peas
When your good to mamma......Queen Latifa
Our house.......Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Teach Your Children......Crosby, Stills and Nash (I always have to play these two back to back.....kind of like how they play we will rock you and we are the champions)
Lulu Revenue Dans La Village.....Anne Savoy
Get Back.......Ludacris
Sandlewood....Lisa Leob
Clarity.......John Mayer
So...what is it about these particular songs that soothes me....they don't have much in common. In fact....the list is fairly eclectic. But.....when the last note of John Mayer plays....I feel better.
I am actually pretty proud of myself. I am a really well rounded person. That is something I have always wanted to be. So....just making this list has cheered me up. Have a good day all and tell me what you think of my weird ass list.
Jessica

sigh

Kids are back....and they are driving me crazy. Can I have a middle ground here please?
What to say today? My best friend won't answer my calls....I thought I had turned in an assignment....like 6 weeks ago...and I hadn't. So, I get to points for it.....I miss Brian...I cant't seem to find places for all this clutter we have going on.....I miss Brian......It's freaking hot again today.....I miss Brian.
Oh well....I guess what I need is some cheering up. Anyone have a good joke or a good story to share? I know I will be up for hours and hours so....drop me a post...I guess that is what you would say....and try to make me smile. I need it

help

Can anyone tell me how to switch the post editor into Edit HTML mode so that I can put the pic of me and the boys on my profile picture please?

cute pictures...of the kids anyway

whats that noise?

it's nothing....no kids at home....no dreamboat at home. sigh. you would think I would be happier about this. but no....I am actually kind of lonely. I had this awful headache earlier so they went to see their dad...and his new girl (who I think is wonderful) and now my head is better but I am feeling awfully lonely. How many times do I tell my friends and stuff that I just want time to myself. Well....here it is and alas...I don't want it. All my friends in town are spending time with their men...which is also WAY depressing given that mine is.....unavailable right now.
My friend Crystal posted today wondering why people renew their wedding vows and I responded that I think it's because we all get divorced so often in this country now....it seems like a freaking miracle if anyone makes it to twn or twenty years. I come from a family where, usually, marriage is forever. My grandparents have been married for some 60 years. My aunt and uncle....they live in New York...have to have been married around thirty years and even my other aunt and uncle....they live in Denver....after she was divorced once already, have been together for something like 13 or so years. In fact my grandfather, who hung the moon as far as I am concerned, loves my grandmother so much that you could make a movie out of their love. My grandmother has Alzhiemers (again...I can't spell for crap so please bare with me) and is....difficult to deal with. Awhile back, my grandfather was shoveling snow in their huge driveway and slipt and broke his hip. In the ambulance my grandfather turns to the EMT and says....please don't let me die, I have to take care of my wife. If that isn't love...I don't know what the hell is. I hope that when I am old and frail and everything is falling apart, that I have someone who loves me that much.
question of the day
Why is it that you feel more sick when you are all alone?

real quick

SO.....I got tons of stuff to do today but I just had a question I had to ask.
How come humans are supposed to be so brilliant but we do such stupid things like stand infront of our house door and try to open it with the clicker from our van?

music from different times

I don't know about you but I love Concreate Blonde....if you nev er heard of them....you should check them out. I have just been playing here...after my nap....and listening to them. I loved them several years ago and just kind of forgot about them. Of course having the internet at home tempts me...so I found a download site and there they were....Tomorrow Wendy is GREAT
Jessica
How come I get the same confort from good food that I do from good music?

GRRR...AND GRRR AGAIN

No matter what I do....there isn't enough time....I am not working for goodness sakes. I should be able get everything done. No...it just doesn't work like that. Oh well...I know this happens to everyone else too so...I will leave it alone.
I am frustrated about my house though. It just took me about 20 minutes to find my pin number for the unemployment line. This should not be so hard. I need someone to come over and clean....I need a maid.
And a nap...as always.
Kids are at the sitter so I think I might just do that
TTFN
Question of the Day?
Why is it that all I want to watch tight now are kid movies and Clue?
Maybe I need therapy

busy

I hate busy days. It seems that I always have them on the weekend. I want to sit around in my shorts and watch the boob tub with my kids. But no....I have to go to the pool with my mom, take my kids to their dad's and go visit my locked up man. Not than any of these things are BAD....I just want some being lazy time. Oh well.....sleep when I am dead as they say.
Why is it that when I tell my kidlets to stop doing something, I have to repeat it four times but they can hear, from three rooms over, the bag from the cheeto's open.

old friends

I just got back from visiting some friends from work. I have only been gone since May 10th but...damn, I miss them. I don't understand this about myself. I hated that job at the end. I was MISERABLE.....but I want it back. I want that paycheck, that interaction, those friends and everything else that came with it. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by just leaving the company. Maybe I should have got a different job. It's possible that I am sad and lonely since dreamboat is gone but....I am blue.

If I.....

.....If I were a month, I would be: October
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: sunset
If I were a sea animal, I would be: whale...does that count?
If I were a direction, I would be: East
If I were a sin, I would be: Gossip
If I were a historical figure I would be: Mae West
If I were a planet, I would be: Earth
If I were a liquid, I would be: Water
If I were a stone, I would be: apache tears
If I were a tree, I would be: weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: Bald Eagle
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Iris
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: sunny baby....sunny
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: elf
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: the sax
If I were an animal, I would be: giraffee
If I were an emotion, I would be: FREAKING OUT
If I were a vegetable, I would be: artichoke
If I were a sound, I would be: a sigh
If I were an element, I would be: fire
If I were a song, I would be: Hey Monkey
If I were a movie, I would be: Moulin Rouge
If I were a book, I'd be: "White Oleander"
If I were a food, I would be: bread
If I were a place, I would be: Oz
If I were a taste, I would be: almond
If I were a scent, I would be: coconut
If I were a religion, I would be: nirvanna
If I were a word, I would be: plethera
If I were a body part, I would be: the back of the neck
If I were a facial expression, I would be: grin
If I were a subject in school, I would be: English
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: Jessica Rabbit
If I were a shape, I would be: bad
If I were a number, I would be: 32
If I were a piece of jewelery, I would be: viking arm band
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: the comphiest( i can't spell that) chair
If I were a car, I would be: some cool muscle car that I don't know the name of
If I were an item of clothing, I'd be: a thong

always saying sorry

I am always saying sorry....what the hell is wrong with me. I started to write this mass email to all my friends and family telling them about my new e-mail address and about my blog and I realize that more of them than not are probably angry with me in one way, shape or form. I just got so caught up in being selfish...which is what usually happens...that I forgot about all my friends and family. I can only hope that they will look past this....again.....and talk to me. "If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine".
question of the day?
How come babies are terrified of going to bed because they might miss something and grown-ups....atleast this one....go to sleep sometimes HOPING to miss something?

Life is pain highness....

....and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.
Got to love the Princess Bride.
So, I was all excited....new computer, finally on-line, it's the summer etc and now I find out today that dream boat has to do work release for 30 days. Don't run away from your legal problems folks.....they will come back to bite you in the butt.
The worst thing is the realization of all the things you will miss for that long. No kisses, no hugs, no gorgeous body in the bed at night....things like that. I feel like an awful traitor, taking for granted the things that I have everyday. Is this God's way of having me not focus on the negative but to appreciate the positive? Why do we as humans not care about things enough until we lose them.....or they are sent to crappy jail for thirty days.
Oh well....no excuse now not to catch up with friends, the house, my school work and all the books I said I needed to read.
question of the day....
Why is it that when I want to find socks for myself....I only find the kids and dream boats but when I have to leave RIGHT NOW and one 2 year old needs socks....all I find are my socks?
Is this some sort of sock Karma?

New at this...

My friend Crystal does this whole Blog thing and well...I just thought that my bitching and moaning was worth sharing with the whole class so.....here goes.
It's hot here.....like surface of the sun hot. I actually know that isn't true. I know it's way hotter in the south than in good ol' Colorado Springs but damn....it feels like it can't get any hotter.....
Anyway, whenever it's hot....I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay around or well....set up my blog when I really should be cleaning or fixing this mess that is my computer/desk area or....even better, doing my homework. But then again...I like living on the edge. So I guess I will continue to play around and procrastinate.
Talk to you all soon
question of the day.......
Why do men find it necessary to talk for ten minutes about pooping but MAYBE spend 5 seconds talking about the fight you just had.....sigh.