The End of My Rope

I'm back

2007-07-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

At the persistance of my friend Angie....I am posting a little note here just to let everyone know I am back. I am a little rusty and I have had to reset my password like 3 times already but.....I am here. I am having a crazy weekend but will be posting next week. Can't wait to get back into it....I have missed you all.
Jess

Alright....

2006-09-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

....so I have talked things over with my two computer teachers for my Monday and Thursday classes and my ass is almost grass. I have GOT to study my butt off for my finals that are coming up on Monday and Thursday. Also, I haven't even turned in all my work. So, I am going to be absent until Friday of next week. I love you all and hope you understand. I have got to get this stuff done. For those of you have talked to me in my not so great moods in the the last several days....everything is ok and I PROMISE that just as soon as this school stuff is over....I will call you and chat and I will focus on fixing everything.....thanks again and I love you guys
Jessica

What if....

2006-09-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

.....ever asked yourself that question? Of course you had. What if I didn't marry Nate? That is one of the big ones I ask myself. We all do it. I have been doing alot of that lately. Not about Nate....about of a lot of other things. I have decided....my mom always said I was a slow learner.....that think about what if's...dwelling on the past....is very unhealthy. These what if's have caused me to be unhappy with my life....to see it as worse than it is. What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I am so lucky. Four beautiful children....a great boyfriend....not having to work right now...I live in America....I have a wonderful family and great friends....
anyway....I want to know....does anyone else do this? about what areas of your life and what have you done...if you have....to stop it?

Sport challange....

2006-09-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

My big kiddos had a cross country sport challange today. Neither one won, not even close but the thrill of watching them got me all pumped up. They were both running so hard, arms pumping. I just have to say how much I love being their mom. I am so blessed to have a chance to breath the same air as these little guys. I am favored by God to share my life with theirs. Whenever I am frustrated, I am going to try to remember this feeling.

Today

2006-09-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

I love busy days. Whenever my days are busy, I feel like I am worht it. Like I am actually doing something important.
The kids had friends over last night so I feed them all breakfast. They left a little after my friend got here to visit. My friend...see pics...and I had a great time. She is an old friend and I haven't seen her in eons. Her kid and my kiddos got along great and it was so nice to see her. We have more in common than I thought....you know who you are....thanks for coming down :)
Then we went to my grandparents and made them dinner and then went out for ice cream. Kids are still in the bath as we speak. It was just a great day.....enjoy the pics.

OMG....

2006-09-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

.....I just had to share this. My silly boyfriend is so damn cute. He had this game that is called Black Hawk Down....you know Army crap. Well, it just isn't for me, as you can imagine but he just loves it. So, the other day he is trying to get me interested in it...and I am just laughing because I think the whole thing is so silly. Well, he is like, "Look at this and look at that" and all of the sudden this alligator comes out of nowhere and he pushes his chair back like 5 feet and his eyes are the size of saucers. I laughed so hard. Let me understand this....you, Mr. Tough stuff...playing the army game where you blow up people and stuff, are scared of the alligator. It was classic.
Not to much going on here. It's getting close to the end of term and I am trying really hard to get everything I need done and studied so I don't fail my two computer classes.
Sam will be a year on the 20th. Makes me sad. Sam is my last baby and he is getting so big so fast. Anyone want to have another baby and just send it here to visit every once in awhile?

Sigh

2006-09-05T17:38:00.001-07:00

Sorry all....I just can't seem to get my stuff together enough to do everything I need to do. If I have everything on the computer going smooth, blog, homework etc....then my house falls short. If my house is good....you get the message. What's new here? Kids are back to school which is good and bad all at the same time....school for me is going pretty well....all A's so far. Dreamboat and I are doing really well. I have decided to start really looking for a job. My unemployment doesn't run out until November but I don't want to be caught at the last minute. I would rather get one a little earlier.
I miss you guys. I miss all my friends and blogging and the truth be told....I miss working. I miss having something my very own to go to everyday that I was good at and that I got to leave at the end of the day. I know it isn't really Qwest I miss but just my friends and the job I was doing. My family all got together a couple of weeks ago....so above is a pic of the whole fam damily and then one of my Nana and me.....notice how dreamboat stands out like a soar thumb.
For those of you who have been trying to call me....my phone is freaking out again and I don't always get my calls. Don't get me wrong....I am also lazy....but some of the no convo is from my stupid phone......hope to be back on regularly.

Yesterday....

2006-08-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

I went out with some grils friends from Qwest yesterday to celebrate my birthday. These are by far the coolest over forty woman that I know. We got fairly trashed here at Jose Mulduns. It was a great time. I just know that what I have been needing is some girl time....don't get me wrong. I love Dreamboat. But sometimes....I just need something different than that.
Anyway....if I am half as cool as any of these woman when I am their age.....I will be lucky. My friend Marilyn...I like to think I am her mini-me....is so funny and opinionated. Especially when the alcohol is flowing. Patty....my coach with Sam....is so sweet, sometimes she makes your teeth hurt. And Josie...my sweet Josie....having such a rough time with personal things right now but she always has a kind word and a smile for you.
I just would like to personally thank these ladies for all they do. I love you three.....thanks for making my b-day special.

My brave kiddos

2006-08-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

So....call me a crazy mom but, I can't stand when my kids are scared for no reason. I hate them having unfounded fears. I think this might go back to my own childhood and all but...I just can't stand it. Tonight, Brian wanted to see the bird that I have had for years. So, I put the cat in the bathroom (yeah I know...it's a freaking zoo over here) and got the bird out and of course....the kids come out and see what the noise is about. So, I ask if they want to hold the bird and of course....they are scared. So, I brib them...I say I will give you ten bucks a piece if you hold the bird. Well...Gabby is first and she just does it. Zander is a little scared but he does it pretty quickly. Christian is terrified and doesnt' want to do it. So we explain that that is fine but we don't want him coming out and whinning to us about it later. So...he comes out with a long sleeve shirt on and does it too.
This same thing is the reason that I want the kids to have swimming lessons. I am terrified of the water. I have been pulled out of the water twice and I am so scared to be in water any higher than my chest. I don't want that for my kiddos though. I just quitely panic inside and clap the whole time.
I think this is the best thing to do. I don't want to be like the Pink Floyd song. I think it's called Mother. "Mother will you put all your fears into me", I think that is how it goes. Any thoughts oh wise friends of mine. Oh yeah....hope you like the pics...they aren't the greatest but my baby is buying me a digital camera so pretty soon I will have much better pics to post.

Tick tock....

2006-08-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

....I feel like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I am late...always late...for something important. As I rush head long into another birthday (yippee freaking skippy) and I take stock of my life, I realize that there really isn't much that I do for myself. I am always doing things for others.
Like this blog for instance. I did this blog for me...because I wanted to....and see...I barely ever get on here anymore. I am seriously bitter and angry. And what is sad is...there is just no way of fixing this shit. I am always going to be doing things for everyone else and not myself. I am a mom and that is what we do.
And what is terribly sad is...I think the people that I do all the things for take me for granted and don't realize how much I do for them.
Even sad....and happier and twelve other things wrapped up together is....this friday....my birthday....is my year anniversary of my divorce. I thought I would be a whole lot further in my life than this.
Help

Absence

2006-08-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

SO sorry all....I just don't even have a good excuse for being away so long. Everything is good here and I am gearing up for the kids to go back to school....mixture of happy and sad with that......and for my 28th B-day. Those of you who know me, know that I get a little upset around birthday time....since it gets closer and closer to thirty.
That might be what I had in mind when I got my tongue pierced. You know, metal contradicts age....or something like that. But, I finally did it. And I must say....it barely, barely hurt when he did it. Now, it's been aching and swollen off and on since but, I had just a great experience. I was so nervous and I know dreamboat and my tattoo guy was thinking I was going to freak out but....I was very brave.
So....you can expect me back into the groove of things....sorry if I worried any of you.

What is happening to me?

2006-07-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am becoming an old woman. Today I have decided to borrow books from the library about canning and planting flowers. When the heck did this happen? I used to be cool. I feel like six months from now I will be in a big fluffy hat, on my hands and knees, planting stuff. Yikes.

typical Sunday....

2006-07-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

....just sitting here putzing along on the internet and had an idea for a post come to me.
There are things that I love and things that I hate on Sundays. See if you share my thoughts.
It's Sunday....your supposed to be lazy.
But Monday is right around the corner.
Big meals are a Sunday staple.
Cooking big meals is a pain.
All the kids in the neighbor hood are home to keep my munchkins occupied.
After they play outside, my kids have to have a bath which takes away from my lazy time.
Sunday always seems like the best day to work on projects....repotting plants, painting shelves etc.
Sunday always seems like the best day to work on projects....repotting plants,
painting shelves etc.
The Sunday Paper
Sunday TV
...all that I can think of for now.
Question of the day
Why am I screwing around on this computer instead of playing with my man and kids?
Bye bye

while you are at it...

2006-07-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

....while you are at it.....please examine this picture carefully. This is my son Christian's "special" things. They came from on top of his dresser, in two drawers of his dresser and on top of mine (my dresser is in their room....what can I say....we are like sardines in here). It's mostly trash and he is FREAKING out because I want him to consolodate this CRAP into one drawer. Am I a crappy mom to not want my son keeping a hold of this stuff or what?
HELP AGAIN

Miss Daisy?

2006-07-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

Great pics right? That is my three big kids on go carts at Joyrides yesterday. We had such a blast....and the baby was unusually quite and happy to just stroll along and look at everything since there is nothing for him to do.
We (me and dreamboat, my son christian and another little boy) are waiting in line for big go carts that the adult has to drive and kids have to rie in and I have already said that I will take Christian in mine and he looks over at me and says....wait for it....."Are you sure you can drive that?"
OMG....Are you kidding? Of course I can DRIVE that. I ask him....do you think dreamboat can? He says yes but....can I?
ARRRGGGHHHHH. What have I done? Where did I go wrong? Why is my son to sexist ALREADY? How did he ever get the idea that I can't drive a go cart just because I have breasts?
HELP....what can I do to correct this?

back to it....

2006-07-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

....already back to school. sigh. I need more time. You know....to do nothing like I have been doing for the last ten days. Shame on me huh?
I had my first serious computer class today and OMG, I am surrounded by GEEKS.
Don't get me wrong, I am a geek. I have spent a long time trying to hide it but I have decided to be proud of my inner-geekness.
But these are like hard-core, d and d playing, Heavy Metal watching, pocket protector-wearing, can speak of nothing that doesn't have a memory, a monitor and an enter key geeks.
Yikes I think. What the hell am I doing here anyway? I should be doing something cool and poetic. Running some book store or head shop or hippie club...or something. Why am I doing this? I don't even know what these freaks are saying half the time.
Why am I doing this? The most important thing in all American's life's.....money. Head shops and book stores and such don't pay very well. So I have, sadly, given up my "cool calling" for more money.
Dear God, please don't let me EVER spend my whole break time talking about the d and d chat room I was on all night because I have NO OTHER LIFE.
Sigh....to all of you that do such things...I am sorry but damn. I just don't want to be all that but you go ahead with your....dork self.
Question of the day?
Why is it that dreamboat and I posses a TON of music on our computer as well as CD's and the thing that he enjoys the most of all is the Asshole song by Dennis Leary?

The Duck Man....

2006-07-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

.....got to love Duckie....you know, from Pretty in Pink. If you have not seen this flic or it has been along time...watch it again. He's great. I know, sure as heck, that I would have choosen him over BLAINE. That isn't even a name. I love everything about him. The outfit....the quick comments "Do I offend?" and especially his undying love for Andy.
Do I do that? Treat the one that loves me more than anything else, like second string to others. I don't mean other men....just other....stuff. Do I act like dreamboat is an inconvienence like Andy does to Duckie? It's very possible. It isn't how I feel. Not even close. Dear God....what would I do without that man. I can't even fathom.
But watching her and getting angry at her for the things she says about Duckie "Ever have one of these?" she asks Annie Potts' character. I realize, I do that with Brian. Andy loves him....I love dreamboat...but I take his differences and treat them like a pain when they are truly just...the things that make him him.
Anyway...weird. I wasn't going anywhere close to this when I started typing. Guess I had to get that off my chest. The thing I wanted to chat about is.....my kids love Duckie....especially the scene where he lip syncs Otis Retting's Try a little tenderness.....when he is dancing around all crazy.
So, close to the end, Duckie does the classic pelvis thrust...which gets my kids into a gaggle of giggles and then my daughter says....look at Christian mom....he can wiggle his wee wee too.
Sure as heck, I look over and my 7 year old son is doing a very good impression of Duckie/Elvis/Billy Idol...which ever you choose and I....just look. What do you say. Don't do that. Doesn't make sense but....dont' do that....go back and play with your Ninja Turtles.
I don't say that....but I want to. I am very much like Marlan from Finding Nemo. Have to let go eventually Jess....they go one way or the other.
Anyway...even with the trama of him "shaking his money maker"....he was pretty cute. I hope I can etch that into my mind along with all his other cute stuff and remember it when the house is empty and clean and the kids have kids of their own.
TTFN

My little woman

2006-07-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Had to go and peek after the last post. Had to watch while she slept. Now have to share this image with all of you. Music blarring away....and she is still little enough to be cuddled up with all those stuffed animals.

When did that happen?

2006-07-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

Sigh....my little girl....isn't a little girl. She is....a little woman. And it's frightening to me.
Yesterday....she was tiny. She needed me. The things she wanted were...ponies and barbies. Her face was chubbie and her little body had baby fat. Now....she doesn't need me for nearly as many things as I would like. She likes ponies and barbies but...the biggest things she got for her b-day are her ears pierced for the second time and a boom box to listen to music on.
Not kiddie music either. Not Bah Bah Black Sheep. As I stood tonight outside her door, she was listening to the Dixie Chicks....belting out the same lines that I belt out...the same way I belt them out. The Dixie Chicks....my music.
Don't get me wrong. It's cool that she knows it. I have tried...sometimes to no avail....to lightly, ever so gently, press my musical appreciation on to my children. I enjoy singing along to Brown Eyed Girl or Jaded with all the kids singing along as well. But...when did it happen that she is doing that alone? In her room, on the way to bed. I must have turned my head for a minute, probably to watch another kid for a sec....and she went and GREW UP.
And her face....another thing I noticed today. We won't even talk about all the teeth she is losing. But her face. So heart shaped and beautiful. Freckles across the bridge of her nose. She isn't a little kid anymore. She is like pre-pre-teen.
What do I have to look forward to next? Wonderful things I know...but also scary things....boyfriends and make-up and mean friends.....being embarrassed by me....GOD FORBID.
I have to watch out....I have to keep looking....if I turn my eyes away from these kids for a minute....the change and grow so much....I get shocked when I realize it. God...please help me to PAY ATTENTION. Don't let this time get away from me.

time for reunions....

2006-07-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

....what a week I have had.
Don't you just love it when you get to see old friends that you haven't seen in awhile. My friends came down with their kids from Missouri and that was great fun. Whenever I am around them....especially hipchick....I just feel so elated to be me. They are just such a fun family and their kids love my kids...it's just always a pleasure.
Went to lunch with a dear friend I haven't seen in awhile and come to find out his whole life is upside down....in a good way. He is the most honest-to-God christian that I know and getting together with him is always enlightening as well as fun.
While out with him...we both run into an old friend of ours....haven't seen her in years and years. It's kind of weird....things with her ended kind of rough and it was like it never happened. We just hugged and laughed and were happy to see each other again. I think it was fate.
I wish that I had enough time to be a mom....and a girlfriend....a daughter.....and a friend...all the time. I just cant' seem to squeeze it all in. Whenever I focus on the kids...everyone else gets left behind....if I spend time with friends....poor dreamboat and the house get neglected. Always always...never enough time.
Oh well.....this week has still been great.
Question of the day
Why does it seem that the older I get....the more often I feel like I am playing grown up...instead of actually being a grown up:)?

Dreamboat art....

2006-07-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

......kinda cute. Atleast the kids. It's a lazy day and I don't have much to say so...you can check out my cute kiddos.

favs....

2006-06-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

....enough complaining and stuff. It's just a bore. Lets do something fun instead.
Please post your answers to the following questions.
Whats your favorite....
...fruit? banana
...sandwhich? roast beef from Arby's
...type of house plant? spider...the only one I seem to not kill
...letter of the alphabet? S...you can make the most curvy stuff with it.
...kids book? in the night kitchen
...childhood song?(like Bah Bah Black Sheep) the Mockingbird song
...remade song? Killing me softly
...things besides lettuce to have in a salad? cheese, olives and tomatoes
...excuse? I have four kids....(insert awful thing you've done ie being 20 minutes late)
And question of the day.
Why does it seem like the more time I have...the less I get done?

sometimes....

2006-06-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

....I feel like nothing matters. That all the teaching of the children, cleaning of the house, taking care of the man....none of it matters. And then...unfortunatly...I just want to stop.
It doesn't matter if I watch what I eat....I will ALWAYS be fat. Have been since I was 15ish. It doesn't matter if I work on my kids staying dry all night....they will pee in it until they feel like stopping. blah blah blah.
I guess the place I am in is unsatisfied with myself. I am feeling like nothing. Like a spec of dust that has been brushed off an uninterested person's shoulder. I feel empty and without purpose. Anyone else ever feel like this? How do you work through it?

religion

2006-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else but...I was a little surprised by the results.

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern

79%

Classical Liberal

75%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

61%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

46%

Modern Liberal

43%

Neo orthodox

32%

Fundamentalist

29%

Roman Catholic

14%

Reformed Evangelical

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

disney character

2006-06-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up.

Peter Pan

88%

Cinderella

88%

The Beast

75%

Goofy

69%

Ariel

63%

Donald Duck

63%

Sleeping Beauty

50%

Snow White

31%

Pinocchio

31%

Cruella De Ville

19%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

what I have been missing

2006-06-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

...so....for those who haven't seen him...I just wanted to add this image. This is what I have been missing for days. And what is wonderful to report is....the inside is just as wonderful as the outside.
It's funny. I always thought that men that looked like dreamboat must be jerks. They must sleep around on their woman and not take care of them. It's great to have your preconceived notions disproved.

so much better now....

2006-06-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

....he's home. Life is SO much better. I didn't even realize just how much I missed him until he was here. So...this is going to be short and sweet and to the point...since I have so much time to make up for:)
I am curious about something so I am going to have you guys give me an answer instead of me talking and talking.
What do you know about handfasting?

The system

2006-06-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

So...when I refer to the system...I am making a general statement concerning law enforcement, foster care, courts, judges etc. And please watch out...I am pissed and on my soap box...Read ahead at your own risk
This is bullshit. Just bullshit. I am a product of this SYSTEM....I was screwed over so many time it's not even funny. Abusive foster parents....and advicate that talked bad about me behind my back to the point of being fired, bad judge decision, lie upon lie, just bullshit. And now as an adult and a tax payer I have to put up with MORE bullshit.
Dreamboat messed up...and this I understand. There has to be punishments for when you mess up. It's the law and that is fine with me. But...this is crap.
He has been on work release...the whole point of that is to KEEP your job. So you can pay them their 17 bucks a day. And then they turn around and do EVERYTHING they can to make sure you lose your job.
He had to work at 11am today. Had to go get this freaking ankle thing at 2. Has to be signed out of the first place by 1:30...we end up running a LITTLE late because of his job. We get to this ankle bracelet place and we are there from 2 to like 5:15 or 5:30. WHAT THE FUCK? Don't you guys want your freaking money. Oh wait....it doesn't matter to you guys since we already had to pay you before we left.
He's a good guy that made a mistake. We ALL do it. I did hideous things when I was teenager. Just awful. I never got half this crap. And why? Because there isn't any money in it. They can't charge me a bunch of money and jerk me around for months. The only time the foster care system paid enought attention to me was when I was imancipatted (yikes....dont' know how to spell that) and that was becase they were giving me money every month...that my mother had to pay back...and so they want to check on me and such.
I am SO mad. He gets to work and they are all weird. Big boss man (who's one of the worst kind of assholes...the kind that enjoy it since they have power and all) is gone. They tell him they don't know if they need him anymore today. That never happens. They ALWAYS need him. So he thinks they are going to fire him tomorrow. Thanks alot cops and judges and every other freaking person in the system
This anger goes back so far... I don't even know when it started. Probably the first time I "tricked" my foster agencie into admitting I didn't need meds. I knew I didn't need them. So I was on my best behavior and TOLD them I was taking them. They praised me and stuff and about two months later I tell them the truth. They wouldn't listen any other way then that. So, I got punished. Big time. WHAT? I proved you wrong and now you want to punish me? Thanks.
Or it could be the year or so that they took everyone I loved and cared about in the same agency out of my life one at a time because they CARED too much. God forbid. We don't want these kids having someone that cares about them.
Or it could be the time that Nate (my ex-husband) and I had a big fight at the doctors office and I called the police. I (I know...stupid but I was trying to do what was right for my unborn kid) decided after a lot of fighting and discussing to stay with him. What does the SYSTEM do? They charge him an arm and a leg...that we don't have to spair...for his sentence. Now....lets think about this? The MAIN reason that couples fight these days is....ta da, MONEY. So...lets take a man and a woman, who have now had a DV call and lets...take away all their money. Lets see if they get along after that.
Or it could be last year when, because I had a prior charge that I actually DID, my ex-husband decides to tell the cops I hit him to teach me a lesson because I was having an affair. SO, I spend a night in jail and almost get my butt kicked in there becasue I snore. Terrifeid and lonely and scared. Yeah... I deserved that. Since I did something bad before...I must have this time. RIGHT?
I have had it with this shit. I am over it big time. People are NOT guilty all the time. Just because you screw up once doesn't make you Satan. It makes you freaking human. And I am so tired of me or loved ones or friends being treated like convicts when they make a mistake. It happens to all of us. I would love to know all the things that all the people dreamboat has come into contact with in these last days that are in a position of power have done? You never did drugs judge? You never drove after you drank cop? BULLSHIT. It happens. To everyone.
I told my friend hip chick that I just can't sit around and complain about this....I have to do something. But even though I still plan to...I can complain. I am a product of this stuff. I lived this life for so long. This is why I had a TERRIBLE time with lying up until awhile ago. They all did...to me...all the time....why cant' I? It's easier right.
He's a good man.....doesn't deserve to be treated like a crystal dealer who sold some to a 5th grader. Which btw, happens often. People are being murdered and raped in this country. The things I hear that have been happening to our little kids lately....its frightening. FIND THE REAL FREAKING CRIMINALS in this country and stop being so damn harsh to people that make ONE mistake.
Sigh....sorry but....It had to be said.

what would I do if I wasn't afriad.....

2006-06-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

....that is a question that I ask myself often. As cheesy as this is too admit, fear is my main problem. I read this book when I was being laid off called Who moved my Cheese. Kind of lame but the part about being scared affected me.
I say all of this to explain my thoughts and actions this morning. I finally laid down at like midnight and I fell asleep for an hour. I dreamt, sadly, about painting. So, I got up (no kids around, they are at their dads AGAIN) and came in the kitchen to paint. While I was doing that I was thinking things over. I can't tell you how long I have wanted to paint shelves how I am. Why haven't I done that before?
FEAR....that someone will think they are ugly. That someone will yell at me(you know who I mean). That I will mess up and they will look stupid. Stuff like that.
Then I was thinking, when did I become, unfearful?
The only thing that I can add up is Brian. About the time we got together and I started realizing that he loves me just the way I am....geek, cry baby, naggy at time....all those kind of icky things.....that I started doing things I like. And being confident in them.
So, even while he is gone, he has taught me something more. Love gives you...wings? confidence? something like that....have a good day all....its beautiful here. Hope it is wherever you are too
j

too many emotions at one time

2006-06-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

So.....here is the kind of day I had....
My friend Crystal is coming to visit....I JUST can't wait for that....excited.
My ex-boyfriend Chris found out where I live and parked his piece of crap behind my van to try to talk to me and he wouldn't move so...I hit his car with my van.....mad, scared and a little pumped up
I miss my boyfriend. Who gets to be on an ankle bracelet Monday...which means he will be home all the time.....right on
However...I know I over drafted our account to pay for his stuff and my ticket that I had and stuff like groceries......uh oh.
I am so mixed up...I don't know what to do. I am going to coffee with my best friend who I thought was mad at me...so that is good.
Have to run for now
j

music.....

2006-06-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

....so I have said it before....but I want to share again. Music makes me feel better. I have the following on a list that I ahve been playing over and over again.
Smile.....Pearl Jam
Where'd you go.....Fort Minor
Monkey.....Counting Crows
Gone going.....Blacked Eyed Peas
That I would be good.....Alanis
Tomorrow Wendy......Concreate Blonde
Seven Nation Army.......White Stripes
Goodnight Elizabeth.....Counting Crows
Gold Digger....Kayna West(I think that's his name)
Don't Lie.......Black Eyed Peas
When you were mine.....Cyndy Lauper
7.......Prince
Thank you......Alanis
My Style......Black Eyed Peas
Joey........Concreate Blonde
Recovering the Satallites.......Counting Crows.
Stay, I missed you......Lisa Loeb
Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.......PM Dawn
Underneth your clothes......Shakira(I don't know if that is how you spell that either)
Seelah......Lauryn Hill
Brown eyed girl.......Van Morrison
Friend of the Devil.........Grateful Dead
Shut up.......Black Eyed Peas
When your good to mamma......Queen Latifa
Our house.......Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Teach Your Children......Crosby, Stills and Nash (I always have to play these two back to back.....kind of like how they play we will rock you and we are the champions)
Lulu Revenue Dans La Village.....Anne Savoy
Get Back.......Ludacris
Sandlewood....Lisa Leob
Clarity.......John Mayer
So...what is it about these particular songs that soothes me....they don't have much in common. In fact....the list is fairly eclectic. But.....when the last note of John Mayer plays....I feel better.
I am actually pretty proud of myself. I am a really well rounded person. That is something I have always wanted to be. So....just making this list has cheered me up. Have a good day all and tell me what you think of my weird ass list.
Jessica

sigh

2006-06-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Kids are back....and they are driving me crazy. Can I have a middle ground here please?
What to say today? My best friend won't answer my calls....I thought I had turned in an assignment....like 6 weeks ago...and I hadn't. So, I get to points for it.....I miss Brian...I cant't seem to find places for all this clutter we have going on.....I miss Brian......It's freaking hot again today.....I miss Brian.
Oh well....I guess what I need is some cheering up. Anyone have a good joke or a good story to share? I know I will be up for hours and hours so....drop me a post...I guess that is what you would say....and try to make me smile. I need it

help

2006-06-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Can anyone tell me how to switch the post editor into Edit HTML mode so that I can put the pic of me and the boys on my profile picture please?

cute pictures...of the kids anyway

2006-06-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

whats that noise?

2006-06-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

it's nothing....no kids at home....no dreamboat at home. sigh. you would think I would be happier about this. but no....I am actually kind of lonely. I had this awful headache earlier so they went to see their dad...and his new girl (who I think is wonderful) and now my head is better but I am feeling awfully lonely. How many times do I tell my friends and stuff that I just want time to myself. Well....here it is and alas...I don't want it. All my friends in town are spending time with their men...which is also WAY depressing given that mine is.....unavailable right now.
My friend Crystal posted today wondering why people renew their wedding vows and I responded that I think it's because we all get divorced so often in this country now....it seems like a freaking miracle if anyone makes it to twn or twenty years. I come from a family where, usually, marriage is forever. My grandparents have been married for some 60 years. My aunt and uncle....they live in New York...have to have been married around thirty years and even my other aunt and uncle....they live in Denver....after she was divorced once already, have been together for something like 13 or so years. In fact my grandfather, who hung the moon as far as I am concerned, loves my grandmother so much that you could make a movie out of their love. My grandmother has Alzhiemers (again...I can't spell for crap so please bare with me) and is....difficult to deal with. Awhile back, my grandfather was shoveling snow in their huge driveway and slipt and broke his hip. In the ambulance my grandfather turns to the EMT and says....please don't let me die, I have to take care of my wife. If that isn't love...I don't know what the hell is. I hope that when I am old and frail and everything is falling apart, that I have someone who loves me that much.
question of the day
Why is it that you feel more sick when you are all alone?

real quick

2006-06-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

SO.....I got tons of stuff to do today but I just had a question I had to ask.
How come humans are supposed to be so brilliant but we do such stupid things like stand infront of our house door and try to open it with the clicker from our van?

music from different times

2006-06-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but I love Concreate Blonde....if you nev er heard of them....you should check them out. I have just been playing here...after my nap....and listening to them. I loved them several years ago and just kind of forgot about them. Of course having the internet at home tempts me...so I found a download site and there they were....Tomorrow Wendy is GREAT
Jessica
How come I get the same confort from good food that I do from good music?

GRRR...AND GRRR AGAIN

2006-06-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

No matter what I do....there isn't enough time....I am not working for goodness sakes. I should be able get everything done. No...it just doesn't work like that. Oh well...I know this happens to everyone else too so...I will leave it alone.
I am frustrated about my house though. It just took me about 20 minutes to find my pin number for the unemployment line. This should not be so hard. I need someone to come over and clean....I need a maid.
And a nap...as always.
Kids are at the sitter so I think I might just do that
TTFN
Question of the Day?
Why is it that all I want to watch tight now are kid movies and Clue?
Maybe I need therapy

busy

2006-06-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

I hate busy days. It seems that I always have them on the weekend. I want to sit around in my shorts and watch the boob tub with my kids. But no....I have to go to the pool with my mom, take my kids to their dad's and go visit my locked up man. Not than any of these things are BAD....I just want some being lazy time. Oh well.....sleep when I am dead as they say.
Why is it that when I tell my kidlets to stop doing something, I have to repeat it four times but they can hear, from three rooms over, the bag from the cheeto's open.

old friends

2006-06-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

I just got back from visiting some friends from work. I have only been gone since May 10th but...damn, I miss them. I don't understand this about myself. I hated that job at the end. I was MISERABLE.....but I want it back. I want that paycheck, that interaction, those friends and everything else that came with it. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by just leaving the company. Maybe I should have got a different job. It's possible that I am sad and lonely since dreamboat is gone but....I am blue.

If I.....

2006-06-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

.....If I were a month, I would be: October
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: sunset
If I were a sea animal, I would be: whale...does that count?
If I were a direction, I would be: East
If I were a sin, I would be: Gossip
If I were a historical figure I would be: Mae West
If I were a planet, I would be: Earth
If I were a liquid, I would be: Water
If I were a stone, I would be: apache tears
If I were a tree, I would be: weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: Bald Eagle
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Iris
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: sunny baby....sunny
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: elf
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: the sax
If I were an animal, I would be: giraffee
If I were an emotion, I would be: FREAKING OUT
If I were a vegetable, I would be: artichoke
If I were a sound, I would be: a sigh
If I were an element, I would be: fire
If I were a song, I would be: Hey Monkey
If I were a movie, I would be: Moulin Rouge
If I were a book, I'd be: "White Oleander"
If I were a food, I would be: bread
If I were a place, I would be: Oz
If I were a taste, I would be: almond
If I were a scent, I would be: coconut
If I were a religion, I would be: nirvanna
If I were a word, I would be: plethera
If I were a body part, I would be: the back of the neck
If I were a facial expression, I would be: grin
If I were a subject in school, I would be: English
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: Jessica Rabbit
If I were a shape, I would be: bad
If I were a number, I would be: 32
If I were a piece of jewelery, I would be: viking arm band
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: the comphiest( i can't spell that) chair
If I were a car, I would be: some cool muscle car that I don't know the name of
If I were an item of clothing, I'd be: a thong

always saying sorry

2006-06-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

I am always saying sorry....what the hell is wrong with me. I started to write this mass email to all my friends and family telling them about my new e-mail address and about my blog and I realize that more of them than not are probably angry with me in one way, shape or form. I just got so caught up in being selfish...which is what usually happens...that I forgot about all my friends and family. I can only hope that they will look past this....again.....and talk to me. "If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine".
question of the day?
How come babies are terrified of going to bed because they might miss something and grown-ups....atleast this one....go to sleep sometimes HOPING to miss something?

Life is pain highness....

2006-06-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

....and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.
Got to love the Princess Bride.
So, I was all excited....new computer, finally on-line, it's the summer etc and now I find out today that dream boat has to do work release for 30 days. Don't run away from your legal problems folks.....they will come back to bite you in the butt.
The worst thing is the realization of all the things you will miss for that long. No kisses, no hugs, no gorgeous body in the bed at night....things like that. I feel like an awful traitor, taking for granted the things that I have everyday. Is this God's way of having me not focus on the negative but to appreciate the positive? Why do we as humans not care about things enough until we lose them.....or they are sent to crappy jail for thirty days.
Oh well....no excuse now not to catch up with friends, the house, my school work and all the books I said I needed to read.
question of the day....
Why is it that when I want to find socks for myself....I only find the kids and dream boats but when I have to leave RIGHT NOW and one 2 year old needs socks....all I find are my socks?
Is this some sort of sock Karma?

New at this...

2006-06-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

My friend Crystal does this whole Blog thing and well...I just thought that my bitching and moaning was worth sharing with the whole class so.....here goes.
It's hot here.....like surface of the sun hot. I actually know that isn't true. I know it's way hotter in the south than in good ol' Colorado Springs but damn....it feels like it can't get any hotter.....
Anyway, whenever it's hot....I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay around or well....set up my blog when I really should be cleaning or fixing this mess that is my computer/desk area or....even better, doing my homework. But then again...I like living on the edge. So I guess I will continue to play around and procrastinate.
Talk to you all soon
question of the day.......
Why do men find it necessary to talk for ten minutes about pooping but MAYBE spend 5 seconds talking about the fight you just had.....sigh.